So, as I start getting ready to go back to work after a mix of maternity leave and furlough there are lots of emotions swirling through my brain as it’s been a weird year and this is the last mat leave. One of those emotions was guilt and then I sat one morning and thought- why do I feel that?

There’s no #dadguilt trending, but I can guarantee I’ll read #mumguilt at least once a day- even I’m guilty of using this phrase. Well today I’m saying no more (and please feel free to point out if I use it again in future!) because I’m making a vow from this moment to shove that phrase up my arse.

Why should I feel guilty? Why should working make me feel guilty? I’m providing for my family. Why should being a stay at home mum make me feel guilty? I’m raising my kids in a way that suits my family. Why should I feel guilty if I don’t bring a penny of income into my family home if my partner (which indicates a team unit) does work while I deal with the childcare. Why does my worth need a financial basis? Why should I feel guilty if I have an afternoon ‘off’ and get my nails done, go for a cinema date with a friend or spend an hour sitting on the beach with the sun in my face? We all need time to recharge in life so why as a mum am I being pushed to feel guilty for showing my kids that there is more to me than ‘mum’, there is ‘me.’ But, if I choose to not do any of that and don’t want ‘me time’ right now- then guess what? That’s nobodies business either.

Social media is great for many things but it is also responsible for pushing this stupid movement. Picture perfect playrooms on Instagram that are too perfect to even be played in, that make some feel guilty because they can’t recreate them and are pushed to feel guilt at their second hand toy box that actually provides laughter from a grateful and happy child. Fuck that guilt.

Those going on about the organic home made meals they’ve prepared for a baby whose probably going to throw most of it up the walls, but this is triggering guilt in the 9-5 working mum whose plated up chicken nuggets and chips (that will end up in clean plates by the way!). Fuck that guilt.

The page full of hourly snaps of a child with the #blessed #preciousmoments #nevermissamoment that a frazzled mum stumbles on during her 10 minute break in a 9 hour shift away from her #blessing, who is told she could ‘be there for every moment’ if she makes a ‘lifestyle change’ that actually only suits about 0.001% of the population and makes her question for a moment what she’s doing, when actually she’s doing exactly what is right for her family. Fuck that guilt.

The mum who is home 24/7 with her six kids who pops to have her hair done and gets greeted with the comment- “oh is your husband treating you?” Fuck that guilt and that judgement. She’s treating herself like the queen she is for bringing up those six kids.

The mum in the shoe shop trying to usher her excited school starter away from the £40 shoes and instead pointing out the pretty ribbon on the £5 ones she can afford. Fuck that guilt.

The mum watching her excited school starter trying on those £40 shoes with her heart bursting with pride while trying not to make the other mum feel bad. Fuck that guilt.

The mum working round the clock to pay for a dream holiday to Disney who misses the ‘first steps’ working an extra shift, trying to picture the look of wonder meeting Mickey Mouse will bring to make up for a different missed milestone. Fuck that guilt.

The mum who quits work altogether to raise her miracle IVF baby and soak up every minute who declines a zoo play date as the budget of one household income means the priorities have shifted. Fuck that guilt.

The chat at the baby sensory group about everyone’s birth experiences that triggers a whole rollercoaster of emotions for the mum who didn’t experience the birth she wanted or planned. Fuck that guilt.

Breast fed. Bottle fed

Baby led weaning. Purée food.

Baby groups. No groups.

Buying everything new. Buying everything second hand.

Back to work. Work from home. No work.

Fuck all that guilt.

The whole concept of mum guilt can quite frankly do one. I’m just a mum like many others- doing what is right and best for my kids, for me, for my husband- for our family. I am perfectly entitled to live my best life without being judged by anyone- including me, especially me. I should not be encouraged to feel guilt unless I’m actually harming my kids (or anyone else!) and last time I checked… my kids are doing just fine- thanks to me (and Henry of course!), so why the hell should I feel guilty for anything I do to achieve that?

The last blog post was pretty much about walks and they are gonna feature in this one a bit too as we’ve added a few more to the portfolio. The most hilarious one being our 6 mile round trip to Harcombe (a little village along the valley). It was a route neither of us had tried and we just decided to go for it and worst case change the route as we went if it got too tricky. I’ve learnt Henry is the most stubborn walker on the planet and after watching him haul Seb in his pushchair over gates and rivers, I’m not sure exactly what he would consider ‘impassable.’ For the record we do have a back carrier that Seb has been in before but for those of you unfamiliar with a toddler- if they decide that day they don’t want to get in the back carrier then you need to dig the pushchair out or the 6 mile trek isn’t happening!

Polly was at school for this walk but she did amaze me with an almost 3 mile walk up a pretty big hill and along to the coastal path on Easter Sunday. She’s pretty good fun on a walk as she loves spotting flowers and playing games along the way- apologies to the squirrel who we scared the shit out of though when we played a stomping game along a wooden bridge.

The weather has been absolutely crazy the last week or so which has proven interesting on some walks. Clara and I went for a 2 hour venture last week where one minute it was sunny and the next it was snowing- this cycle repeated for the whole walk! Polly’s paw patrol umbrella was a key accessory that day, although Clara didn’t think her hat was and added half a mile onto the trek when she discreetly threw it in a hedge on the way home.

The weather has also played havoc with the outdoor play dates and catch ups we’ve started having again now lockdown is easing. Although the fairy house in the orchard proved a pretty decent shelter to another random snow shower on last weeks play date!

Although getting wet didn’t stop Polly down at the beach the other day when she got absolutely soaked kicking through the waves, filling her wellies up in the process. It was gorgeous down on the beach that morning (and the next day when we went back down) and both days the kids (and adults!) had a blast exploring the rock pools.

Another highlight this week has definitely been the kids enjoying an outdoor Easter egg hunt with their cousins. It was so amazing to just watch them play together and enjoy a picnic together too as they’ve missed so much the last year. This trip also included taking the picnic scraps to feed the chickens. This sounds like such a simple thing but to the kids (especially the little 2 who have been so sheltered the last year) it was a great experience, the sort of experience that childhood should be full of and hopefully with things looking brighter Clara will get to meet a few more real animals soon.

The kids naturally did get swamped with Easter eggs which we may be ‘helping’ them to get through. Henry though is breaking all the rules, now I know he’s one of these strange individuals who likes cold chocolate but it’s one thing popping it in the fridge but the freezer?! Lockdown has definitely made me see a different side to the man I married! Although it is definitely a good hiding spot I’ll give him that.

Another fashion trend this week has emerged thanks to Polly- she’s going through a phase of picking out odd socks to wear for herself. She thinks it’s hilarious but Seb gets very concerned and follows her round shouting ‘wrong socks!’

And that’s about it really. I’m pretty desperate for a shower after an incredible dance off with Polly- honestly anyone who’s missing going out clubbing just needs to spend an hour flicking through music channels with a 4 year old as she shows you her ‘great moves’ that she insists you copy! Definitely a fun way to burn off the 687 Easter eggs I’ve eaten the last few days anyway!