So, as I’m getting into the swing of this latest pregnancy I thought I’d do a little feature on the delightful added bonuses that come with growing a tiny person in your belly. This is not me moaning about pregnancy (don’t want to offend all the #blessed preachers out there) but more of a way to get across what really happens in the nine months between peeing on that stick and clutching onto a gas and air stick for dear life.
These are just a round-up of some of the extras I’ve been able to enjoy:
1. Morning sickness. This is by far top of my list. Anyone who spent any time at all with me during the first half of my pregnancy with Polly will know I encountered this delight. I’m not talking about like in the films where they wake up, puke once then get on with their day. No. I’m talking up to 20 times a day, any time of day, before food, after food, just as you lay down to go to sleep at night, when you’re trying to serve customers at work and the escape route to the toilet is through 4 doors, when you’re having a sneezing fit thanks to the cold you’ve picked up and my all time favourite that still makes me squirm- after eating a bowl of coco pops (still can’t eat them thanks to that incident).
2. Nausea. I know it’s fairly similar to number 1 but it in my opinion it’s such a bitch to deal with it deserves its own spot on my list. It’s awful. It’s draining. It seems never ending. It wakes you up at 3AM and won’t let you go back to sleep. It steals your appetite. It leaves you lying on the floor of the living room ‘playing’ sleeping lions with a hyperactive toddler who doesn’t understand why you keep pulling strange faces and clapping your hand to your mouth.
3. Exhaustion. Doesn’t really need much explaining this one, but it hits you like a freight train so all you want to do is curl up on the sofa and watch re-runs of friends while feeling sorry for yourself. Cue strange looks from the toddler again.
4. Food aversions. This is just plain annoying as the food that you would usually love to devour to make you feel better (not physically better but emotionally better) actually just makes you want to puke a little bit. For me it’s chocolate and tea. Anyone who knows me will know straight away that something is up when I start declining tea as I normally have an IV attached to me with the stuff.
5. Bloating. The fact that I looked 6 months pregnant by the time the evening rolled in before I’d even announced this pregnancy is slightly disheartening and led me to raid the maternity wardrobe a bit earlier than I’d expected.
6. Stretch marks. I managed to get quite far along with Polly before I realised my giant belly was hiding those huge delightful purple streaks and did have a minor breakdown in the shower the first time I spotted them. Fast track to the next pregnancy and I’ve learnt to embrace my tiger stripes really. They tell their own story (sorry to get all mushy) but they just remind me what an amazing thing my body is capable of.
7. Nose bleeds. This was a random thing that totally took me by surprise but after taking to Doctor Google I found it was quite common. Just a bit annoying really.
8. Hair issues. So that nice glow you get from your hair when you’re pregnant is a bullshit lure into a false sense of security that you will carry on your life with gorgeous luscious locks. I have since found out that this is because your hair doesn’t do it’s normal shedding thing while a baby takes up residence in your uterus. So instead about 4 months after said baby vacates your belly, you know just when you start feeling a bit more like a human being again, then it all bloody well falls out. I mean in clumps. Big clumps of those gorgeous locks just come tumbling out in the shower. And let me tell you growing your hair back to looking relatively normal will be more frustrating than when you finally grew that primary school fringe out.
9. Haemorrhoids. I’ll try not to go into too much detail on this delight in case you’re eating, but oh sweet Mary mother of God. When these bastards struck me down in week 33 I actually wished for the dreaded morning sickness to take their place. They were excruciating. It was also pretty embarrassing trying to explain the reason I was walking like I was holding a tennis ball between my bum cheeks. Thankfully my boss at the time was incredible and didn’t take the mick too much (don’t worry we had that kind of bond where I’d have been more concerned if she hadn’t taken the mick a bit) when I had to explain that I wouldn’t make work the next day as I couldn’t walk down the stairs. I’m praying, literally praying, that I don’t get a repeat from these evil critters.
10. Tender boobs. This for me has been that first tell-tale sign that something is going on and it can really catch you off guard. Sadly, it’s not socially acceptable to massage them better in public as you might face being arrested so you have to find a discreet way of turning you back on people or ducking down out of sight to give them a little rub better. And don’t get me started on when it gets cold. Ohhhh those nipples feel like they’ve inverted and are stabbing you while trying to break themselves apart from your body. That’s a fun one to try and hide in social situations.
11. Baby kicks. Yes, it’s very sweet the first few times and it is reassuring to feel your little one move but trust me there are times when it’s nothing like a sweet calming feeling at all. Having a baby get their feet up under your ribs (always when you’re trying to drive) is honestly one of the most peculiar sensations I have ever experienced and you will find yourself shouting at said baby “move your bloody feet or I swear to God I’m coming in there to sort you out!” How you would manage that feat I have no idea, it just gives you the first taste of the attitude you can expect when they are out the belly roaming around not listening to you still.
12. Backache. I mean with a growing body (both yours and the baby inside) aches and pains can be expected but I was really hit with bad backache in the second half of my pregnancy with Polly. The only relief I could find was standing in the shower for 10 minutes or so with that warm spray running down, sadly the relief would go as soon as I stepped out, but hey you can’t win them all.
13. Hormones, hormones and more bloody hormones. At the beginning this means Henry finds himself married to Cruella De Ville who snaps and bitches at every little thing (my love I am sorry for this, not that sorry though when you consider the list beforehand). But it also means I get a bit emotional at silly things. Really silly things. Like during week 33 of the Polly pregnancy when I had a minor breakdown in the car after driving past a dead rabbit on the side of the road. Not an unusual thing to come across sadly when you live in the countryside but apparently that morning said bunny’s sudden departing from this life hit me as hard as Rose and Jack’s final moments in the icy Atlantic.
14. Baby brain. I will maintain to my dying day that this is very much a real thing. Honestly, I need some explanation as to why I keep putting the bread in the fridge, why I asked my brother whether you can eat avocado raw after eating it plenty of times in the past and the cherry on the cake when I lost Henry’s bank card in Tesco (I’m still not really sure what actually happened to that, I think I literally just discarded it on the floor after paying.)
15. Braxton Hicks. My God these are scary at first and I don’t care what people say they can be bloody uncomfortable. As Rachel so beautifully put it in Friends- “No uterus, no opinion”. The only good thing I suppose is that they do give you a bit of an idea (only a tiny idea though) as to what to expect when D-Day does finally arrive.
16. Weird dreams. I’d forgotten about these delights. I’m not talking about the odd random dream where everyone has turned into blueberries. I’m talking crazy, weird, weirder than weird dreams that are so vivid you wake up actually believing you’ve just given birth to a Furby baby with a mouthful of teeth (this is to date my weirdest one so far). A lot of these crazy dreams also come with an R-rated certificate and can be more saucy than 50 shades (doesn’t really take much to beat that though to be honest). Most of these dreams you forget by the time you’ve shaken the sleep out of your eyes (apart from the Furby one that is still engraved on my mind’s eye for all eternity) instead you just sit down to eat your breakfast and think “bloody hell, what was I on last night?”

There are obviously many other added bonus features that I haven’t featured here (heartburn, headaches and many other delights) mainly as I seem to have so far (touch wood!!) been left out of those clubs- I’m not going to brag about that though as I’m sure I’ve got plenty more pregnant time left to have a go at those experiences if mother nature feels like being a bitch.