So I was supposed to have written this post this afternoon while Polly was having her nap but instead I ordered most of the Christmas presents then fell asleep on the sofa (oops) so instead I’m typing while waiting for Henry to finish tea. Polly is munching scrambled egg and we are having steak, technically it’s not a naughty treat as the baby needs it, well I need it as I’ve shock horror come back as anaemic so need to eat lots of iron- cue a fridge full of broccoli and steak.

It’s been a different Monday today as normally I would have worked most of the day then Henry would have done the evening but there has been a change around at work and I had the day off while Henry worked my day shift. It meant that I took Polly to toddlers this morning and had a cheeky coffee afterwards with a couple of friends from group. This is a fun trip into Waitrose where we drink an actual hot drink while offering the little people various snacks to keep them happy in either a push chair, on our laps or in the one highchair they have to offer- honestly it baffles me why a big shop next to the local children’s centre only has one bloody high chair when they see groups of parents and little people in their café area all the time.

And what have we been up to over the last week. Well, my brother surprised us with a visit over half term which is always welcome. I love watching him and Polly together. We all headed over to Prickly Ball farm on Wednesday which was a lot of fun. It’s been so lush weather wise the last week. Polly had a blast running round in her wellies stroking sheep, ferrets and guinea pigs. She also fell straight down in the mud but wasn’t phased at all- her only concern was where the sheep had gone who she’d been petting before he bolted. We’ll definitely be heading back there again. I’ve also discovered the best way to keep the morning sickness at bay is to eat really often so as we were out and about far from home our options were limited, well it actually meant we wound up sneaking into KFC on the way there and McDonald’s on the way back (another oops), but I’m hoping the 28 oranges I’ve eaten since then will make up for a double naughty treat.

And the last part before I go, I’ll reference back to the start. Yes, Christmas shopping, you did read that right. I can proudly say that I have actually almost finished our Christmas shopping, all before Halloween! I may have cheated quite a bit this year as I sent Henry to Aldi a couple of days ago to pick up a kitchen unit and accessories for Polly and as I say I got click happy on the boots website this afternoon. But I have 2 excuses for this, one I’m pregnant so I can do what I like and two we are heading up to Suffolk in a couple of weeks so we sort of need to take most of the presents up there with us so the Royal Mail can’t take the piss with the postage and then break things anyway. I’ve also booked Polly’s visit to Santa. Last year we had an amazing time at the World of Country life and had a train ride and got to feed the reindeer and everything, sadly this year they’ve sold out of options for under 3’s (yes already) and put the price up. Second choice was the Polar express but at over £20 each fro adults this one got laughed out the park. So instead we are going over to Otter nurseries- a magical Christmas adventure on it’s own- but as the are almost booked up (yes already) we will actually be visiting Santa at the end of November. Sometimes I feel a bit sad at how commercialised Christmas has become but at the same time it’s one of my favourite times of the year so I love everything about it and at least by getting organised early I can sit back and enjoy it more, I feel like it’s going to be a lot of fun with our little lady this year. Anyway time to say goodbye, putting Christmas aside for an hour or so while we carve a pumpkin.

Well it’s definitely now sinking in that we really are adding a member to our little family next year. Now that it’s public knowledge and we can openly talk about it I feel a sense of relief that we aren’t hiding things anymore. I did feel pretty bad starting a new job having just found out I was expecting again, I’m not going to say it’s bad timing because it’s not a bad thing having a baby and it wasn’t a bad thing going back to work. It’s just life. In reality everyone has been more than understanding and supportive and all we’ve had is positive reactions when telling people our news.

It also became more real at the end of last week when we went for our first scan. I was as to be expected a bundle of nerves right up until we saw a bouncy baby who was just a wriggly as Polly had been (a nice sign that I’ll have another fidgety baby all the way through who kicks at all hours and gets under my ribs at inopportune moments!), also until we heard that the fluid measurements on baby’s neck were ok too. With Polly they weren’t which led to us delaying our announcement as we were told of the chances that she would be poorly, very poorly. This also led to an extra scan 2 days before Christmas to see whether further investigations would be needed, luckily we got the all clear at that point- the greatest early Christmas present we have ever received. So all we wanted from this scan was just that a normal, typical, average, non-dramatic scan where you go in, see the baby and leave. Luckily that’s exactly what we got. Baby ‘Bear-Bear’ got the ok at the first scan. Polly has christened this one, she was affectionately known as ‘Bump’, now ‘Bump’ is an out the womb, chatting, roaming toddler she has recently started learning body parts. She will lift her top up and cry ‘bear-bear’ at her belly and anyone else’s too, hence the baby being nicknamed ‘Bear-Bear’.

We both seem to have got properly into the swing of our new jobs now and we are enjoying our new roles. It’s hard at times, for different reasons for each of us. I tend to be ok while working as it’s a good distraction from feeling a bit naff but then I get home and collapse in a heap on the sofa before realising this is my 3 hours with Polly before she goes to bed so I need to savour every moment. Mum guilt starts seeping in then. Henry has done so well to learn a new set of skills and get used to a very different way of working and I’m very proud of how quickly he’s picking it all up. He had a bad shift last week and felt awful for it but like I pointed out, we’re all going to have bad days and when one thing goes wrong then it can quickly snowball. This whole process wasn’t going to be smooth and easy so I just tried to reinforce it into him that he needs to give himself a break. It’s how you react afterwards that’s important and thankfully he just got straight back into the swing of it and hasn’t let it hold him back.

The last thing I’m going to write about today (as I realise this is turning into an essay-oops!!) is sleep. It’s a long running joke isn’t it- when you have kids you can kiss goodbye to this concept so as a parent you aren’t really allowed to bitch about it too much. Well, today I am going to bitch about it. We are not blessed with a good sleeper, since day 1 it became apparent we had not delivered a ‘oh she’s been sleeping through since we left the hospital baby’ or a ‘oh he takes himself upstairs, sings a lullaby to himself and climbs into bed without a fuss and has been since he was 2 weeks old baby’. No. Polly has slept through the night probably 10-15 times her whole life. But recently she has nailed the going to sleep bit by herself (I’m literally touching wood right now) and also she’s sleeping through till 6 without a peep. Last night she actually went through till 6:50! But then every now and then she has a night where she just doesn’t want to sleep. We seem to be enjoying one of these delights once a week at the moment. Sunday night was the chosen day this week (hopefully it’s just one night this week) and of course I’d been up since 6:30, was due to be up at 6:30 again and was generally shattered. Sadly Henry was so tired too that he was doing his usual of sleeping through everything, that boy would honestly sleep through the house falling down. I mean I was giving him some fairly sharp rib kicks and not a peep, until 6AM when I lost all patience after a grand total of 2 hours sleep. I left Polly in the bed with a half awake Henry and stormed out the room and ‘slept’ for 20 minutes in her cot. Yes I slept in her cot while she slept my bed. But this is the thing that people who don’t have a ‘bad sleeper’ don’t understand, you can sit on your high-horse and judge me all you like but unless you’ve been through a night like that when nothing and I mean nothing expect a tranquiliser would subdue your child, you don’t understand how desperate you can be for even just 20 minutes of sleep. I know this won’t last forever and I know there are plenty who sleep less than she does and I know she excels in other areas. My point is we need to stop comparing babies and expecting them to follow what the ‘guide book’ says they should be doing and accept that they are all different and they do all these things in their own time. It is our jobs as parents to love and support them through it all without tearing too much of our hair out.

These are a couple of posts that I’d written ahead of time but hadn’t been able to publish for obvious reasons.

Yesterday morning I took a pregnancy test. I knew already that it would flash up positive. I knew that I was pregnant before buying the test as I just had that feeling. I mean my irregular cycle was showing that I was ‘late’ too but still I knew it. Obviously, this is something that I’m not posting for a little while as we’ll wait for a scan and the OK from a doctor before we start shouting it from the rooftops. But I want to record how I felt and what happens in those early weeks. So here are the snippets of the first trimester.
It does feel strange. Good strange, don’t get me wrong! But definitely strange. There’s another little person growing in my belly. Polly is going to be a big sister. Our family is growing. I am excited. I really am. I’m also nervous. This is my fourth pregnancy. Before Polly there were two other little people that were growing in my belly at different times but we didn’t get to meet them. This made me a tad on edge whilst pregnant with Polly and sadly it seems it’s going to make me a tad on edge through any other pregnancy. I am excited, I really am. But I also won’t celebrate properly until this little person is out in my arms having that first precious cuddle. I’m also nervous about having 2 under 2. I’m also worried that our current situation makes bringing in another child a bit scary. Quite frankly I think Henry and I are both shitting ourselves about this. But it is what it is. We might have a difficult couple of years ahead- well no might about it, we will. But we will work through it. This is our family and we will make it through for our little family, our little family that as of next May should hopefully have grown again. Wow. This is happening. And I know the excitement and the happiness will outweigh the worry, the fear and the doubt. We are having another baby, this is going to be fun!

 

A typical day in the first trimester:
7:30ish- Wake up
7:35- Puke with the cat sitting on the side of the bath providing moral support.
8- Attempt some toast, the toddler will eat more than you.
8:30- Get dressed (complain at how tender boobs are), get toddler dressed and clean everyone’s teeth. Try not to gag as you clean your own teeth.
9/9:30ish- Actually leave the house. Feel not too bad for the first 3 and half minutes as you get some fresh air, then go back to feeling shit.
9:30/10- Attend toddler group. Pray said toddler isn’t in complete rascal mood so you can at least sit for 2 minutes on a chair. Try and find a way to disguise the lack of tea drinking on your part (“Yes I would like some squash in a mug”). Mime singing at the end as for some reason this is suddenly a puke risk situation.
11:30- Get back home. Potentially puke again. Attempt lunch (don’t feel bad when you plate up 6 chicken dippers for the 3rd lunch time in a row for yourself). Again, the toddler will eat more than you.
1ish- Put toddler down for her nap. Pray she goes down without a fuss as this is ideal nap potential for yourself, I mean a chance to do the laundry and maybe do a spot of dusting… pahahahaha I’m totally kidding- have the nap!
3ish- Playtime and CBeebies time (I will not be made to feel bad for putting kids TV on so don’t even bother). Spend maybe half an hour lying on the floor pretending to play sleeping bunnies when the nausea hits but remember to be aware that the toddler will see this as an attack chance and bash you on the face with a block.
4:30- Spend 10 minutes trying to work out what food you can handle for dinner then cook said food while trying not to breath in too much.
5/5:30- Plate up food, sit at the table, watch toddler devour hers, eat one mouthful and realise you didn’t actually really want this. Force yourself to eat a child’s size portion and dump the rest on husband’s plate waiting for him in the microwave.
6/6:30- Try and burn up last bit of toddler’s energy. This might just kill you.
7- Bath time. Try not to look at the toilet too much as it tries to lure you in, you can be in the bathroom for other reasons than just puking.
7:30- Toddler bedtime. Read ‘Guess how much I love you’ at top speed as reading out loud is making you feel queasy again (thank goodness I know it off by heart). Again, pray she goes down without a fuss.
8- Make nest on the sofa with a glass of water and catch up on Eastenders while the cat sticks himself to you. Maybe eat a pot noodle. Try not to fall asleep and give up being an adult at 9:30 and crawl up to bed.

I’ve debated long and hard about writing this post. It’s a difficult thing to write about, silly as I’m now at the stage where I can talk to other people about it, but somehow it seems different typing it. I guess it’s mainly due to the fact that you can’t see the reaction of whoever is reading it, whereas face to face I can tell what they are thinking. But, I’ve decided that this is meant to be a day of unity so I’m uniting and telling my story too.
It’s strange because 3 years ago I wasn’t even aware that this day existed (I think it’s rightly gained a lot more support since then). I was also pregnant. Pregnant with our first baby. Yup I can see you doing the maths now, Polly isn’t that old, it doesn’t add up. That’s because I wasn’t pregnant with Polly. I was pregnant with a baby we would never meet. Just 9 days later I would wake in the morning to get ready for work to find I had started spotting. Not unheard of in early pregnancy. But I knew. I knew straight away what it meant.
What follows next is something that will stay with me forever. They don’t tell you about this in the baby books. They don’t tell you about this in sex ed classes at school. No-one talks about it. So, nothing can prepare you for what happens next.
They don’t tell you that it will hurt. Not just physically but emotionally it will push you to your limit. There will be a pain in your heart that feels like your soul has been ripped out. Then this pain changes to emptiness. Then hopelessness. Then you realise this is where your baby will live forever. Safe in your heart because they weren’t safe in your belly where they were meant to grow and become your world.
They don’t tell you what actually happens when you lose a baby. You will be thrown many insensitive remarks from people who think they are helping (actually some of them don’t even think that they just don’t understand or care). At least one person will tell you- “It wasn’t a real baby.” I beg to differ. When you pass that ‘bundle of cells’ that’s ‘just like a heavy period’, you soon realise you are very much passing a baby. It is messy. And it will break you.
They don’t tell you that it will nearly ruin you and your husband. That you will cry, a lot. That he will cry. That you’ll turn on each other as that’s your only outlet. That you’ll say things that are unforgivable. That at your lowest you will shout at him ‘that he should leave you and find a real woman who can give him a family’. They don’t tell you that you’ll burst blood vessels in your eyes from crying so much.
They don’t tell you that you will blame yourself. You’ll analyse every aspect of the pregnancy to find out what YOU did wrong. How you failed your unborn child.
They do throw statistics at you. They tell you not to worry, that you’ll likely have a successful pregnancy next time. Well they were wrong again in our case. Just 3 months later, on Boxing Day we found ourselves in the same position.
They don’t tell you how difficult it will be when you do have a sticky bean who makes it past that precious 12-week mark. That every niggle and twinge sends you back to that dark place where you think you’ll never make it to be a mother. That you’ll check your pants 20 times a day to make sure you aren’t losing another one. That when you don’t feel your baby move for a few hours you start envisaging all kinds of horrors. That you won’t truly be relaxed until that baby is out, breathing, in your arms. Safe in your arms because your womb is not a safe place.
They don’t tell you a lot when it comes to miscarriage and infant loss. Instead you come across a lot of insensitivity and callous remarks. Not just out in the world but also in the healthcare system that you find yourself falling on in your most vulnerable and distressed state. Not everyone is bad. Each 111 operator I spoke to each time, they were amazing. The 2 doctors who scanned us during our first loss, they were amazing. The A&E doctor who saw us the day after Boxing Day, he was an arsehole. The problem is many people still don’t think miscarriage is something to get upset about, they think you’re overreacting. These are the people who don’t see what you lost as a baby. These people have no idea- lucky them. In my opinion as soon as you are pregnant, you are just that- pregnant. You have life inside you. As soon as you know it’s in there then all that promise, all that future, starts growing in your mind and your heart. You start thinking names, imagining their first words, first day at school, whether they’ll get married and have babies of their own. Then it’s gone. All gone. You are very much entitled to grieve that loss as it is just that, a loss. A huge loss. So, grieve however you want to. Scream. Cry. No-one has the right to tell you how to grieve your baby.
This is dedicated to all the Angel babies who are sitting in our hearts instead of in our arms.

It’s Wednesday, the middle of the week. We’ve sort of lost touch of a normal Monday to Sunday week though as at the moment Tuesday and Wednesday are our weekend days. Two precious days off together as a family. We’re still getting into the swing of our new routine and work schedule though so these two days haven’t yet consisted of big family days out or anything fancy. Yesterday, I took Polly to toddlers and then we just all chilled out at home afterwards. Truth be told I snuck in a two-hour nap as the horrendous Sunday night incident finally caught up with me. It’s times like that I’m so thankful that we are doing this new thing as Henry gave Polly her dinner and put her down for a nap while I hid under a duvet. And the Sunday night incident- nothing too crazy in the parenting world, just a case of a screaming teething toddler who thought 2:30AM would be a good time to want to be awake. Sadly, I couldn’t convince her after 2 hours that this wasn’t such a good idea so Henry (again a thankful moment!) took our agitated little monkey downstairs where it took him another hour to settle her. When I crept down a couple of hours later I found the two of them sprawled out asleep on the sofa, slightly gutted I didn’t get a photo of this hilarious moment as they were both pulling the same sleep face.
We do seem to have adjusted now to the new routine that we have going and Polly is definitely enjoying spending more time with Daddy, usually as this includes sneaking profiteroles in for lunch (I’m not stupid Mr Woodard- there was a pack in there on Monday morning and when we did the Polly swap over at 3PM at work our little monster had chocolate stains down her top. At least be more discreet about it next time!). The only thing that seems to have fallen by the wayside is the housework. The house is pretty shocking at the moment and I think I would cry if we had any unannounced guests right now. I can guarantee there is a stack of washing up waiting to be done, there is a heap of ironing on the table that I’m currently avoiding eye contact with as it’s been there for four days and the cherry on the cake happened 10 minutes ago when I looked up to see yoghurt splattered across the ceiling. In our defence this has only been there since last night when Polly got a bit excitable when she realised she could flick said yoghurt across the table at Mummy and Daddy while we had tea together. I should have done a more thorough search in her attack radius when clearing away last night. Well at least Henry will have something to do while I take the yoghurt monster to toddlers this morning. Don’t tell him but that is the main reason I’m sneaking out this morning on ‘family day’- in the hope that I come home to a clean kitchen and a yoghurt free ceiling.
Anyway, I actually do need to get a move on, I mean we are going to be late this morning- the group starts in 12 minutes and Polly and I are still in our pjs, oops. Maybe that’s another thing that’s taken a hit- my sense of timing has got if possible even worse!

Many people (well many people without kids) like to ask that question. ‘What’s it like having children?’
So, I thought I’d do a little piece giving a little taster of life with a little person in tow. The examples will be all over the place as they come back to me so just bear in mind Polly is now 16 months old so those hazy newborn days were a while ago now (I know they feel never ending when you’re in them but trust me ‘this too shall pass’) so some bits may be a bit vague. Some bits may have also been dissolved from my memory to not put me off having more children.
1. Sleep. Just kiss goodbye to it. Some people are blessed with good sleepers. We are not one of those families. Polly has slept through the night a few times. She is capable of putting herself to sleep. She just choses to keep these moments as special treats that she throws out to us every now and then. And before you jump down my throat about sleep training- she has been sleep trained (last count I think we’ve done it 4 times) but guess what sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes they are teething. Sometimes they just want some extra cuddles. Sometimes they just don’t want to go to bloody sleep. And again, before the rest of you jump down my throat about sleep training, it was a very gentle version that did not involve leaving her to cry.
2. Judgement. Post 1 just shows you the other reality of parenthood. You find yourself constantly needing to justify everything you do and say as guess what, someone out there won’t agree with what you’re doing and they’ll feel the need to tell you so.
3. Bodily functions. There once was a time when the thought of touching poo or sick would have made me actually want to be sick (I will never forget in primary school when a school friend vomited the length of the corridor and I was one of at least 2 others who then added to said vomit after witnessing it). Oh, those days are long gone. The beautiful invention of baby wipes now means that not a lot phases me in this department- please Polly do not take that as a challenge though. So, you want to hear some actual examples. Well I have a couple of charming tales, one about the time that Polly projectile pooed at me getting me full in the face, including my mouth and all in my hair. She also vomited over my face when I picked her up above my head once, I’ll never make that mistake again. You’ll also come across the term ‘poonami’, this one is a real rite of passage for all new parents. It basically means a poop situation that is not contained in a nappy, sorry guys but it will happen at some point. You’ll also get to the stage where you’re picking a bogie out of your child’s nose before you shake your head and realise what your life has become.
4. Messy house. At some point you’ll just realise this inevitable, maybe you’ll last until the toddler stage, but at some point, you’ll just realise you can’t fight a fire with a water pistol. You can tidy as much as you like but little people are like tornadoes. This is a snap shot of the destruction one toddler can wreak in just an hour…

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More to come soon….

Well, it’s been a whole week since starting our new work schedule together but not together. Touch wood, it seems to be working well. We are managing to see more of each other and are able to have some family time too which is great. It’s been strange re-learning the art of waitressing, although it’s amazing how much comes back to you once you find yourself stood in front of the coffee machine again. Henry seems to be getting on well too, which is great. It’s a massive change for him and we’ve really been chucked in at the deep end, learning the bar and the menu and serving all at the same time, mixing it up in the same shifts. But this is the best way to learn. It does still baffle me as a tea drinker though how there can be so many different ways to drink coffee!

Polly seems to be enjoying Daddy time and I know he’s loving spending more time with her. I mean just look at her, she’s so stinking cute who wouldn’t wanna spend time with her. Even if she is currently trying to feed the cat her tea while rubbing yoghurt into her hair with the spoon instead of putting it in her mouth. I think there might be some cheeky behaviour going on in my absence though. Today when I got home they were sat on the sofa together eating Toblerone. She was also covered in paint again after a fun time at toddlers together where she apparently was a little reluctant to leave the paint table.​

​As we enter October I find myself thinking about the C word. No I’ve not been watching re runs of Game of Thrones, although now I’ve said that I want to watch it. Hmmm no, Christmas. One of my friends put me to shame again, she’s honestly the most organised human being I’ve ever come across, she’s getting all sorted already. I say it to her every year that I’ll follow in her footsteps and get organised so I can enjoy it more, to be fair I gave it a fair shot last year. Well this year I have gone as far as grabbing a Boots catalogue and putting rings through it (this also bought back some cute childhood memories of planning your dream house in the Argos catalogue when you were 12) That will probably be it for another month though- maybe next year will be my year dear 😉

That’ll be it for now as someone’s food throwing skills seemed to have upped a notch and I’m having to pick sweetcorn off the laptop as I type. And I really mean it this time when I say I’ll try not to leave it a whole week again before another post.